Defining Our Selves

How?  One of the simplest yet most important approaches to questioning any topic that requires solid reasoning.  How do you define yourself?  A look at one of the subsets of how.

Rest assured that if your career defines you, you have not truly defined yourself.  In fact, if you define yourself through superficial or proper nouns, your self definition likely lacks depth and meaning.  And yes this is a very subjective article.

We are who we are because of all the little pieces, that we have accumulated over the years.  Look back in your personal journals (written or mental records) and you will find a more significant meaning to that self definition.  Our childhood activities, our struggles, endeavors, and successes have helped us to arrive at where we are today.  More over the relationships that we have formed over the years also plays a significant role in our personal identity.  There are those relationships we cherish and others that have taught us the lesson of who we do not want to be- often these gains result from the people we care for and trust the most.

So where do you begin if you do not have the answer; when do you decide to reassess if you already had a definition but find it is time to reinvent yourself?  Two great place to begin.

Approach number one suggests if you have not yet taken time to define yourself, look at what you do best.  This is a valuable place to begin because it takes stock in your personal capacities.  By looking at how you invest your energies you can begin to examine why you think what you do best is a reasonable approach to assessing how you would like to define yourself.  Not to be confused with defining yourself by your career (i.e. if you are a stock broker, or writer, you do not necessarily have to define yourself as such); because you  write does not mean you define yourself that way.  What you might want to do is think of your your self definition as a personal mission or purpose statement.  Why? because defining yourself as a writer also come with parameters that can restrict your personal development.  And while you might want to fully develop as a writer, you can also become defined by others expectations of you as a writer resulting in a personal type-cast, perception-- you become who others see you as.  The same argument can be made for the stock broker example.  There is a type of distention resulting from the exertion of external forces leads to a misaligned self definition.

To truly define ones self, time, experience (of life), and solitude are necessary.  Time is a luxury we are rarely find in the world today.  I intentionally use refer to world because in a global society, we also have a global obligation in many instances.  Without discovering where you can find time to examine yourself, a clearer understanding of the how, will be tremendously difficult to achieve.  Reason being is defining yourself should be a journey, a deeper look at who you do and do not like about your self.  Do not allow yourself to disguise the don't likes, with every step you take towards acknowledging who you approve of, you get closer to answering the how, of defining yourself more accurately- thereby becoming a more effective you.  Time alone is a requisite to answering any critical questions; believe me when I say, there is nothing more critical than you.  You are the nucleus to all of the intricate activity in the web that surrounds you.  Time to write in a journal (which I highly recommend), time to reflect on decision, time to reflect on your actions.  When reflecting on your actions go back in time.  Look at the kids in school who you (even at the youthful age of ten, eleven, twelve...) you might have mistreated.  Consider misdeeds and consider when the decisions you made, made you feel your best.  Understand why. apply those characteristics to the attributes you would like to incorporate column.  Time as a human concept, allows us to truly take advantage of it, past or present.  Our higher order of thinking allows us to make different decisions based on what consequences we see that may have affected us adversely.  We don't have to live with regret, rather we can adapt to move forward differently.

Having looked at time and where to begin (though only scraping the surface), let's take a look at when to begin.

It Is Never Too Late.  Even though we think that there is nothing like being a teenager, then there is nothing like your sixteenth birthday, oh nothing like being twenty-one, thirty, oh shit...I'm about to be forty, you see where we are going with this.  And if you are offended by reading this then you probably should not follow my blog- we are all adults here- right?  Aging is not that serious.  Every day I get older, experience I have (positive or negative) I embrace fully as part of an opportunity to enjoy the human experience overall.  More knowledge about the world, myself, and how I want to define myself.

One recommendation I make to clients (when coaching), is to set a time line to assess the big questions about defining yourself.  If you want to go deeply twenty one consecutive days of planned introspection is a good time frame (this is more like a crash course); it requires great discipline.  Keep in mind this is total immersion.  Not in the sense that you do nothing else during this time but dedicate a significant amount of time to answering important questions.  This time also allows you to integrate what you learn about yourself and internalize it.  If you have a sabbatical coming up, that is a great time to explore this self discovery.  Sabbaticals should not solely be used to get better at your work; by being a better you, you by default will improve your work environment.  I have seen where such self understanding resulted in individuals leaving their existing job.  The when really requires you to take stock of your self and your available time.  Use a weekend, decompress and recalibrate with the intention of determining your when.  By making a schedule with the goal of committing time to this endeavor, you will get significantly closer to success.

The next article will address the steps in defining your self.  There is simply no way to describe it in one article which you will want to read in its entirety.  This article is meant to provide some starting points.  In essence this will be a mini series of perhaps three articles that will provide enough of a frame work for you to get started.

If you have direct question please feel free to comment.  I will respond to any questions submitted.  I want to leave with why defining yourself is important.  Truly knowing how you define yourself will open doors in and out of your life.  You will have different expectations for yourself resulting in you moving through life differently; others will observe, interact and develop different expectation when engaging with you.  A clear self definition can be transformative.